


rationalizing the idea of going completely mad

by 9nlyAFewTriggers (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: First Person, Humanstuck, M/M, Poetry, Sollux's POV, hhhhh, highschool, humanstuck AU, poem, poem like, u feel me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-04
Updated: 2014-05-11
Packaged: 2018-01-14 12:04:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1265851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/9nlyAFewTriggers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>but eridan ampora,<br/>the asshole in<br/>my second period algebra II class<br/>is my<br/>only addiction<br/>and my<br/>only medication</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. gemstones

his eyes were like  
rare gemstones  
that i  
dug up  
and shined to  
perfection

his smile was like  
the sun  
and  
the rain  
going out for a walk  
creating a ray of light  
across everything it passed

his attitude was like  
someone took  
a smooth stone and  
sharpened it  
until it could  
k  
i  
l  
l

but that  
hardly mattered,  
because,  
after all,  
his laugh was like  
music  
to my ears

but probably my ears  
only

his voice was  
dark purple with  
a hint  
of grey,  
a shade of sadness that  
was always  
lingering but  
never quite  
showed itself  
but I didn’t notice it  
especially not when  
my name was  
on his lips  
spoken in that  
wonderful  
tone of his

aradia  
often warned me that  
if I got too  
close to him  
in my mind  
i’d lose  
a grip on reality and  
one day  
i’d just walk  
right up to him  
and kiss him  
without really

realizing

“sollux,  
i think  
you’re going  
c  
r  
a  
z  
y”

and i am  
all too  
aware

but eridan ampora,  
the asshole in  
my second period algebra II class  
is my  
only addiction  
and my  
only medication

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wtf


	2. absence

all in all  
nothing is  
quite the same when  
he isn’t at school

because everything gets  
a little more boring and  
everyone gets  
a little more annoying  
and it’s sort of  
odd  
not having him around  
to annoy me himself

but  
it allows me  
to 

get a little more work done

think about other things

pay attention in class

eat

because when someone isn’t there  
it’s  
sometimes  
easier to  
forget  
that they’re even real  
at all

sometimes

when he’s back  
the next day  
i always feel  
my heart speed up and  
when he  
looks at me  
it’s like  
the feeling i get  
when i light a  
new cigarette  
after being clean for  
four weeks - 

exhilarating

exciting

calming

d  
i  
s  
a  
p  
p  
o  
i  
n  
t  
i  
n  
g

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok


	3. feferi

karkat  
told me   
that in kindergarten  
he  
wouldn’t let  
anyone else on the playground  
because he  
was the  
prince of it and  
everyone else was  
below him

and if i said  
this surprised me  
i’d be lying

he’s  
always acting better  
than everyone else  
but maybe  
that’s because  
he   
is

but every once  
in a while  
i’ll spot him  
with his  
head down  
his defenses lowered  
and once i was sure  
i even saw  
a tear  
drip down those  
perfect cheeks

“this is  
stupid,   
sollux,  
he isn’t even  
your  
type”  
karkat tries to say  
but i don’t  
listen

i don’t have a type  
there isn’t a  
need for one  
because  
they’re  
useless and  
they  
make my  
options smaller

but in  
order to  
please everyone,  
i ask  
feferi peixes   
out   
to the  
fall dance

but i  
didn’t know   
eridan used to think of 

her

as i now  
think of

him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it has a plot now, maybe


	4. dancing

the dance  
wasn’t anything  
spectacular

a simple  
back-to-school-even-though-we’ve-been-back-for-three-months  
type thing

it wasn’t  
anything  
to get  
worked up  
about

but they  
got worked up  
about  
it

eridan   
took  
vriska serket   
to the  
fall  
dance

feferi   
wore  
a  
ball gown

she was  
magnificent   
at dancing  
but i couldn’t get into it

couldn’t get into her

because  
all i could get into  
was how  
his hips moved  
halfway across  
the gym  
while he was dancing with

her

and near the end of the dance

himself

i almost  
went over  
and  
asked him  
to dance  
but he seemed  
upset  
and i  
don’t know  
how to deal  
with  
upset

he left  
before anyone else  
and the next day  
i saw vriska walking  
hand-in-hand  
with  
tavros nitram

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight


	5. jealousy

feferi and i  
kept seeing each other  
after that

just a few times but  
it was enough for  
eridan to notice  
apparently

they were  
best friends  
until she came  
crying to me  
one sunday

“sollux,   
he hates me,  
why does he hate me?”

and my answer was

“he likes you,  
feferi,   
can’t you see?”

but she  
said  
he got over her  
years before

and i stared at her  
and replied

“he must  
like you  
again

it isn’t   
that big of a deal”

and she  
nodded  
and smiled that  
wide  
smile of hers  
and i secretly hoped  
that he was  
jealous  
of her  
instead of   
me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aight, this'll be the last of the mass upload
> 
> this was just to kinda get it started
> 
> now it'll have regular updates


	6. girlfriend

i asked feferi to  
officially become my  
girlfriend  
a few days ago

i cant help but wonder  
whether  
eridan knows  
about this  
or not

from what shes told me  
they havent spoken  
in   
weeks

my voice  
tells me   
to tell her  
that she doesnt deserve  
such a good friend

so i do

but my mind  
tells me  
that its a  
good thing  
theyre not   
hanging out  
anymore  
because then  
he  
would start to  
like her  
again

and i  
am falling  
more  
and  
more  
for  
eridan ampora  
and the thought  
that his heart belongs  
to someone  
other than  
me  
makes me  
want to

die

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SHIT AT CONSISTENT UPDATES


	7. expression

eridan  
found out  
about our  
relationship  
during the  
third month

i   
only knew  
because he was  
especially quiet  
suddenly  
and im sure  
i saw him  
at his locker  
when feferi and i passed it   
holding hands

he hasnt said  
anything  
to me  
not even  
an insult

but  
as far as i know  
he hasnt spoken to  
feferi   
either  
so im not  
sure whether hes   
mad,  
sad,  
jealous,  
or stubborn

i cant read  
eridan amporas expressions  
but i can  
read   
my own

and i  
feel  
like  
shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aguh


	8. the scientist

eridan ampora  
loves science

eridan ampora  
loves coldplay

therefore,

eridan amporas   
favorite song is  
the scientist  
by  
coldplay

i only found out  
that hes going to the  
coldplay concert  
because  
vriska  
started talking to him  
again  
and she  
told me  
that he was   
obsessed with them  
and that feferi got him  
tickets  
as an apology

she was  
apologizing  
for something  
she didnt know   
she did

feferi called me up  
crying  
and said  
that he told her  
hes still going to the concert  
but he doesnt  
accept  
her  
apology

this got me  
angry  
for more reasons than  
one:

1)  
he hurt  
feferi

2)  
hes   
an asshole

3)  
i wish  
i was the one  
who got him tickets  
so i could  
take him to the concert  
just him  
and me  
and a band i didnt know existed  
outside of  
viva la vida

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yah ok


	9. coming in tails

i ended up  
getting tickets  
to the  
coldplay concert

they are not  
a band  
i used to  
listen to  
regularly,  
so when  
i went  
i knew  
hardly any of the words  
to any of the songs  
save for,   
the chorus of  
paradise  
and  
viva la vida  
and  
fix you

i saw  
eridan  
because it was  
kind of hard   
not to

his body  
was mapped  
in my mind  
perfectly  
and accurately 

but when  
my eyes  
were upon him  
all i felt  
was anger

i ran up to him,  
grabbed his arm,  
and threw him  
to the ground  
before  
kicking him  
again  
and  
again

i turned my head  
to see that  
the lead singer   
was still singing,  
his piercing blue eyes  
scanning a random part of the crowd,  
apparently not  
noticing that  
eridan ampora  
was laying on the ground,  
staring up at me  
like the most confused  
and innocent  
and pitiful creature  
that ever  
lived

as i ran,  
i heard   
just a few lyrics  
before they  
stopped singing  
because someone screamed

“tell me your secrets/  
and ask me your questions/  
oh, let’s go back to the start/  
running in circles/  
coming in tails/  
heads on a science apart”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the scientist is my favorite coldplay song and coldplay is one of my favorite bands i am sorry


	10. body

i didnt go to school  
for a few days,  
faking a fever  
and throwing up  
my breakfast  
so my mother worried her   
pretty little head off  
and told me to  
stay in bed  
and not move  
a muscle

little did she know  
that i no longer  
wanted to move  
anything  
that was attached  
to my body

my body  
was the body  
that landed  
eridan ampora  
in the hospital  
and i  
hated it

still,  
i was not in jail  
and that  
surprised me

feferi   
found out about  
what happened  
and she told me  
that  
eridan  
didn’t rat   
me out  
like he should have

she is not  
angry at me,

in fact,  
she thinks  
eridan did  
something  
to me

because  
he told her  
he did

and my tiny,  
irrelevant,  
idiotic brain  
cannot  
comprehend  
why


	11. tuesday

when i finally  
returned to school  
eridan was nowhere to be seen  
he wasnt in my  
second period algebra II class  
and it was  
weird  
to have an empty desk  
at the front of the room  
because i had become  
so accustomed  
to staring   
at the back of his head  
instead of taking down notes

feferi  
and i  
sat together  
at lunch  
like always

we sat with her  
popular friends  
and nothing  
was out of the usual  
there

on a tuesday  
two weeks after i had  
attacked eridan  
during his favorite song  
at a concert  
of his favorite band  
he appeared again,  
a bandage  
around his head  
and his lip  
still slashed open

while everyone  
taunted  
and teased him  
(including  
feferi)  
i  
stayed quiet  
and didnt make eye contact

and he  
walked on  
acting like  
he was the only person  
in his little  
pompous  
world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the most unrealistic fic in the world, probably


	12. apology

the first time  
i finally spoke  
to eridan  
was completely  
and utterly  
on accident

he  
bumped into me  
on the way  
out of the  
front doors  
at the end of the day  
on a friday

he dropped  
his phone,  
and i  
could hear  
the sharp inhale  
as he  
looked down at it

quickly,  
he picked it up  
and inspected it,  
only to find that it was okay,  
and then  
promptly turned  
towards me

"do you  
know  
how expensive  
this is?"  
he snapped,  
eyes  
meeting mine  
before widening 

i  
simply stared  
basically  
frozen  
as i watched the clockwork  
in his head  
begin  
to work

"i'm sorry"  
was the  
only thing  
i said,  
but i think  
we both knew  
i wasn't talking  
about  
the  
phone

he shook  
his head  
and mumbled,  
"i wish  
i could believe you"  
before turning and  
walking off

i watched  
his head duck down  
as he passed people and  
for once in my life  
i wish  
i had caught up  
to eridan ampora

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IM SHIT AT UPDATING IM SO SORRY


	13. split

that night,  
i went home  
and broke up  
with feferi

i'm not sure  
why i did,  
exactly,  
but i do know  
that i couldn't  
keep lying  
to her

she didn't respond  
right away  
but when she did  
it was a tiny,  
barely audible,   
"okay"  
and the next thing  
i knew  
i was listening  
to my phone's  
static

i  
did not  
sleep well

instead,  
i lay in bed  
staring  
at my ceiling  
and making faces  
out of the shapes  
that rested there

i finally  
lulled myself   
to sleep  
when all of those faces  
contorted themselves  
to match  
eridan's face  
exactly


	14. overseas

over  
the weekend  
vriska messaged me  
on facebook  
telling me that  
eridan was  
moving  
soon

i stared  
at the screen  
and replied with a  
"why did you tell me?  
why do you think i care?"

there was  
a pause  
but soon  
she replied with  
"oh, please  
don't try  
to be proud;  
it's obvious  
you have a thing  
for ampora"  
along with  
approximately  
eight winky faces

i continued  
to stare  
until my  
vision blurred  
and i felt  
like breaking  
my laptop  
in two

but i didnt  
and instead  
asked  
"where?"  
because i wasnt  
sure   
i could bare  
the thought  
that he'd be  
far away from me

"scotland"  
came the words  
on the screen  
a few seconds  
later  
and asking  
how she knew  
wasn't even  
on my mind  
because i was too preoccupied  
in thinking  
of ripping out  
my hair

after closing  
the tab  
i slammed  
my computer shut  
and stared  
at the wall  
until  
the shapes in it  
blinked at me  
and grinned at me  
and yelled at me

after enduring  
their screaming  
for as long  
as i thought  
i could handle,  
i closed my eyes  
and screamed back  
until my dad   
came in  
and asked me  
if i  
was  
okay

"sure,"  
i said  
"i'm okay  
i'm okay."


End file.
